Last year around Mother’s Day, I heard someone say that mothers are closest to their children when they’re in the womb. From the moment they’re born we’re slowly letting them go. I agree. When they’re babies they need our help; but year by year they grow more independent. By the time they get to school, it’s best to let them do their own thing and learn what they’re there to learn. Even if those lessons are painful. Or when we know they may fail.
School projects come to mind as a great example. I know so many parents who just don’t want to let go of their kids. They want to help. So they start out just observing, then they help a little, then a little more then a little more and before you know it, they’ve done a majority of the work. I think that’s unfortunate.
Kids should do their own school projects.
Last year, I walked into my son’s classroom and saw a beautiful display with so much detail and intricate handiwork, I immediately knew no third grader made it. I hadn’t helped my son at all, so immediately I felt guilty. I pulled another mom over and sheepishly asked, “Were we supposed to help do these projects?” She looked stunned (yet impressed) by the professional looking display before us. She muttered, “Noooo” as she continued to check out the board. I felt first confused and then annoyed.
What’s the point of someone’s mother doing a third grade project? Why would a parent feel compelled to take over for her child? Does she fear the kid might fail without her help? Does she think the kid just isn’t doing it right (i.e., the way the parent would do it if it were his/her project?)? How can the kid learn anything if the parent takes over and does everything for him? Isn’t there something to be said for the child’s learning experience?
I know it’s tempting. Heck, I was the worst offender when my son was a bit younger. Whenever he felt a twinge of frustration, I was the mom who would jump in and say, “Oh, here sweetie, let me do that for you” and actually think I was helping him. Now, years later, I see how that kind of rescuing behavior only makes the kid feel incompetent. It must be pretty demoralizing to think you need your mom to come and do everything for you. That over-protectiveness simply has to change at some point. The sooner the better (within reason).
It’s sometimes tricky to find the line. How much help is enough without being too much?
As parents, we’re effectively training our children to be the best adults they can be. As each year passes, we hope to pass on more and more tools for life. I know parents who taught their kids to do their own laundry when they were in third grade. Many other parents teach their kids how to cook so that they’ll be able to handle living on their own. Their rationale? We can’t expect them to go off to college knowing how to live independently if we haven’t given them adequate guidance. And we can’t sit down two weeks before they’re ready to leave and say, “Okay, junior, here’s what you’ll need to know when you get there.” So we give it to them piecemeal. Little by little, step by step. They learn to walk before they can run. They learn to chop vegetables before they make a stew.
And sometimes you let them fall so that they know they’ll survive the many pains of life but also so they know that they can do it. So that they can feel confident
And, if you accept the idea that we’re training them for life, then how can you justify taking over a job that has been assigned to someone else? I mean, when they’re in their 20s, I’m not about to go to their places of business and run their meetings. But we shouldn’t be completely hands off either.
So here’s the policy in our house: hubs and I will buy any necessary materials, maybe even advise on which materials might work best or make suggestions but that’s it. We encourage the kids and guide them but we also make sure that they take ownership of the task. And we follow up by asking what they learned by doing the project (because that is the point after all).
And you know what? It’s made a huge difference!
When parents give their children sufficient guidance and freedom to let their imaginations soar (without imposing their own viewpoints or worse, taking over entire projects) we give our kids the confidence and self satisfaction that helps them grow into secure, assertive adults.
This is a great post! There has been alot in the news lately about “Helicopter Parents” (because they hover) and some are even going as far as to contact potential employers for their college-grad kids, during the interview process! Ick!
I have had the exact same feelings as you did, when I’ve gone into the classroom for Open Houses and such, and there are always a few projects that are clearly a family effort. I also know, though, that the teachers do realize this. I would think that the good teachers are the ones who find ways to temporarily overcome this challenge.
I’m a firm believer in providing the necessary supplies and then being available to answer questions or offer suggestions when needed, but other than that, staying out of it!
Melisa’s last blog post..Send Some MoJo My Way, Please!
Really? I’m the first to comment?
I thought this was excellent!! EXCELLENT! I worry that I will be a hoverer and I’m afraid of seeing them fail but I know you are SO right.
I’m SO linking to you tomorrow!
Sister Sassy’s last blog post..LET’S GET FIT: WE’RE ALMOST HALF WAY!
I’ve always hated that too. It’s like saying to the child, ‘you aren’t good enough, smart enough, talented enough, to do this yourself, so I’ll finish it for you.’ Really, not helping the child at all.
I will also say that when my son made it to high school, I was secretly glad that he would no longer be required to do a science fair project. HATED THOSE THEN AND NOW.
Tara R.’s last blog post..I have a secret?
Perfectly said. I’m glad you wrote this — I know I will need to remind myself of this when the time comes.
Tara’s RIGHT!! It’s such a bad message to send kids, in addition to just being a downright bad habit.
Deb (Missives From Suburbia)’s last blog post..Estrogen Trip
Wonderful post, SBM! My first grader, just submitted his first science project and I am very proud that he and I worked through it together. His project had an adult touch to it, obviously. But the opportunity to be with him and to discuss my favorite topic, science, with him, was too important to pass up. I will leave it up to the smart teachers to recognize a parent’s influence and sift through that. But they can equally recognize the child that was forced to ball up some tin foil to make a planet because the parent was not involved for even a second.
The idea that I should have handed him some glue sticks and see ya later would make no sense to me.
What makes your post so wonderful to me is that you so eloquently stated that on the one hand, you are prepping them for the “real world” but that doesn’t mean to be completely hands off.
I agree!
Now, its time for me to return to my Baby Goats….they may forget to blink if I am not hovering over them.
Dan Leone’s last blog post..Just leave me a comment
I absolutely agree with you.
But…..I have to share a story.
Once my son had a project, and he wanted to build a replica of an actual robot scientists use in the desert. He drew out the designs, figured out the materials, and then asked us to help him purchase it all. We did. He also wanted to make it remote control…but he needed to sauter stuff and had some questions about how to make that actually work. Hubs taught him how to sauter and answered his questions.
Jake put that robot together, and before you know it he had a working, remote control robot that he took to school and had whizzing through the halls. He was SO proud of himself. It was a lot of work! Until, of course, a parent approached him and said,
“There is NO WAY you built that by yourself. Obviously your parents built it.” Me, the Mom that is so NOT mechanically inclined and my Hubs, who did nothing beyond answering questions and providing materials.
Jake was mortified. Humiliated. And rightfully angry. He has been told from a young age that just because he’s gifted doesn’t mean he needs to flaunt it. We’ve been big on “prove you’re smart by what you do, not by telling people.” However even when he does, people still don’t always believe the work as his.
So if one sees a project that “obviously a child never could have done”, maybe they need to think again. The child very would MAY HAVE.
And Jake? He’ll be fine. He looked that parent right in the eye and said firmly, “No, I built that. Wanna know how?”
Scattered Mom’s last blog post..Kindness Challenge Update
I completely agree, BUT recently my 3rd grader brought home an assignment to make three simple machines. The instructions didn’t say the parents should help, but we had to saw and screw the thing together. We let her come up with the idea, then we helped her with the work. I didn’t have a project like that until I was in the 7th grade and had access to the woodworking equipment at school. I can hardly believe what they expect of kids these days!
Momo Fali’s last blog post..We Were Going To Call Him Stumpy
its okay to help but not do their whole thing, i heard about some parents doing their childrens homework.. how are children suppposed to learn?
sara’s last blog post..This weekend
amen sister! my 5 yo son is in kindergarten, and already i’ve weighed the “competition” of his projects against other parents vs. his need to perform on his own. i’m happy to say the latter won out.
Nice post. Looked at it in my reader for days before I actually clicked into it….
A couple observations…
I agree with almost everything said here.
I nodded knowingly with Dan. His comment re: “leave it up to the smart teachers”. I think that is soooooo much a part of why we as parents seem to be doing so much. We assume the teachers AREN’T smart… we think the teachers are either too stupid to put two and two together and realize we did it, or too idiotic to acknowledge and appreciate work done by (primarily or solely) the kid.
re: momo’s comments… I have NO problem with a lot being asked of from our kids. Woodworking or not, I am glad to see them take a stab at it. Win lose or draw. But yeah, God knows I wasn’t required to do anything near the level or work our kids are. But that’s alright.
PG’s last blog post..Opening Day (Little League Style) feat. Project 365 Days 85 & 86
I wrote a blog on this a while back, albeit yours is a BIT friendlier than mine… and written a LOT better. I agree whole heartedly!
It starts with the little things and goes a LONG LONG LONG way!
Momma Mary’s last blog post..Baby? Um, No. More like DEVIL, er, I mean Toddler?
Excellent post SoapyB! And I like how you guys handle it. I’m still trying to walk that line myself. My kid gets a ton of homework and we try to be as hands off as possible (also, I have to admit, I get lazy and use “he has to learn this himself” as an excuse to blog while he works!). But every so often, I have to step in (and laugh). Like when during a fill-in-the-blank exercise with 3 blanks and a picture of an ape, he squeezed in the letters “munkee”.
BusyDad’s last blog post..Do Labor Unions Hold Drafts?
The competitiveness of parents drives me crazy. I know one father whose entire Christmas vacation was consumed by manufacturing his sons’ Pinewood Derby racecars for Cub Scouts. These things were masterpieces which won year after year. But one year he googled ways to cheat on car designs to make them even faster and the cars got disqualified for an illegal design. Kids were devastated (and the dad even moreso)…but sure enough the next year they were back and won again. Dad was thrilled.
My son’s class just turned in their Native American villages…or should I say the parents just turned in THEIR projects. I am appalled that those kids received grades and ribbons for work their parents did for them. The quality of the work was of a college level, not that of a nine year old. My son and three other kids did their own work and received the worst grades and the lowest ribbons. What have we taught the kids? That it is all right to cheat? That having mommy and daddy do your work is okay? Can I play my son’s solo for him at music contest…BTW I have a Master’s Degree in Music and play professionally. Of course not, but how is this any different? My son wants to know how this is right, and I don’t have an answer for him.